This is really hard for me to admit, but I lost myself during my 5 year journey through infertility. I started out with the best of intentions, give our 1 year old a sibling. Since we had quick success our first time, I naively thought we would have the same luck for baby number 2.
So when the first cycle didn’t work, and then the second and then our first frozen transfer and then we suffered a miscarriage, things went down hill. What began with such hope quickly turned into my worst nightmare. By this point we did not have fertility coverage through our insurance and we were slapping down thousands and thousands of dollars to put myself into a state of sheer chaos and depression.
There really is no way to explain how sad, alone, helpless and withdrawn I had become. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Even my worst enemy. Seeing your friends and family procreate the normal way sometimes twice or three times to my constant failed attempts or losses was hard. Being asked point blank on more than one occasion by a “friend” when we would be having another baby gutted me. I told myself that these “friends” were naive and dumb but that still didn’t make me feel better. There is no other time where words can hold such weight and cut so deep. Asking a woman when she will do the very thing she can’t is heartbreaking.
I distanced myself from most of my friends and felt at odds with my husband. He too was suffering through our failed attempts and losses but in his own way. It angered me that he wasn’t going through it the same way I was. I was consumed morning, day and night with getting pregnant. It’s all I could think about. The financial strain was causing us to argue and eventually to sit on opposite sides of the decision tree. I felt even more alone and depressed thinking I didn’t have my best friend on my side.
It took me years and years to finally sort through my feelings and repair the damage we suffered from a fate neither of us wanted. What I know now is that when I got angry at an outsider not understanding what I was going through, is that there was no way they ever would. I played a role in feeling isolated and unconnected too.
Don’t be like me, do NOT let this journey consume your every waking thought. I know first- hand how hard that is and how it’s easier said than done. Today when I work with a woman who’s acting in the same desperate ways I did my heart wants to break. All I want to do is wrap them in a huge hug and tell them how they need to find joy in this process the same way you need to find joy in each day.
Some things that helped me through one of the toughest times in my life are:
-Talking to a therapist.
-Watching a ton of Twilight movies (over and over).
-Visualizing me being pregnant and having that baby I so badly wanted.
I may have been a little consumed but I never lost hope in my body’s ability or doubted my strong will and persistence. I wish that for your too!