I have been marinating on this post for weeks. I want to be honest with you, but at the same time I don’t want you to worry about your future past your journey.
Ultimately I know that there are a lot of you out there that need to hear this so if I can help even one person with this info my day has been a success.
Last year about this time I was told I need to have an ovary removed. It was a super hard decision to make but I had a persistent cyst for over a year. Due to my cancer history I had to have it removed. When the chirpy pregnant medical assistant came in to have me sign paperwork for me being “sterilized” my blood started to boil. You with your big belly have no idea what I have been though and am going though so could you be a little nicer with your labeling?
Navigating though cancer therapy post breast cancer surgery can be tricky. If you are estrogen positive you are put on Tamoxifen to suppress your estrogen production. While it is super helpful in preventing a repeat tumor, it can cause uterine cancer. I have already lost an ovary, both my tubes and now I face a hysterectomy and loss of my other ovary.
Some of you may understand why this is such a hard pill for me to swallow, some may not, but either way my feelings are valid. For years I suffered and struggled to expand my family so the thought of removing the very items that were part of my road to fertility is tough. Ultimately for the very reasons I don’t want to do it I must. I want to make sure I live a long happy life and be here for my children that I struggled to have.
Such a delicate balance isn’t it?
I share this because once you are part of the sisterhood of infertility you always are. We didn’t ask to join this illustrious group, but we none the less are here. While you are jumping though hoops to get pregnant the pain is much worse. Once you hold that baby in your arms there is a massive cleanse that comes along with that amazing moment too. I can’t tell you though that the journey that you had to travel won’t leave permanent scars.
I took my scars and am using them for good and I truly hope that you do as well. However, if you find yourself angry or sad long after the journey is complete this is so NORMAL. Just like any tough situation you go through, you may experience some PTSD from time to time. The most important thing that has helped me is allowing these feelings to come to the surface and not squashing them. Remember that they are valid, work though them and try to move on.
I am taking my own advise and working though my feelings while I face this hysterectomy. Ultimately I know it won’t serve me or my family not to.
-Push though the hard.
-Know that your feelings are valid.
-Be gentle on yourself.
-Know that I’m sending you huge hugs and baby dust.
xoxo,
Caryn
